People we Meet Along the way

Having my baby has been a transforming experience in more ways than one. Of course there is the whole being a mom thing and how for the rest of my life now I will always be a parent before playing any other role but there have been a few humbling realizations along the way and I sure hope that I will not forget these lessons.

The biggest has been that when someone said no man is an Island they were bang on. The journey to having my little boy was an unusually tough and arduous one. I was lucky to have an incredible family support system that saw me through this but I also met some strangers along the way who made the everyday things easy by just being the way they were. There was the lady who my mom found to give me a leg massage as I was confined to my bed forced to lie flat for nearly two months in a hospital room and the girl who came from the local lady’s salon to give me a manicure and a pedicure so that I still managed to look human through the months. It was not so much what they did but how they did it. The massage lady realized that my mother and I needed her as much for the company as for the massage. So she became our daily dose of gossip and chatting. The girl from the salon gave me the manicure while I lay down flat! I can’t imagine that it was easy for her but she did. Similarly for the nurse who gave me my daily shots. She took that extra bit of care to make sure that even if it hurt she had a soothing hand and a word.

I haven’t met any of them since my boy arrived and really don’t know if I will, but their association will stay with me forever. It has taught me that in our lives even the shortest encounter can have a lasting impact on our lives. And while we may consider ourselves all modern and self sufficient, a one-man army rarely wins the battles in life. We all need that helping hand even if it is brief and that of a stranger.

The Romance of Bringing up my Baby Boy

I don’t know if most new, and especially first time mothers, will agree with me when I say that bringing up a little one can be a romantic adventure. Between the endless feeds, sleepless nights and clothes that smell of milk all the time, it is sometimes hard to see even the logic of having a baby, forget the romance. But I am asking you here to take a leap of faith with me and perhaps stretch the definition of romance just a little bit. After all what is romance if not a feeling of insurmountable love for another person?

And that is what we mothers feel for our little one. I know that every smile, every cry, every little coo and ga that my boy makes, means the world to me and there are times when I love him so much that it makes my heart ache. As the weeks pass and I see him beginning to recognize me, the pleasure that brings is unlike anything else. Just as we yearn for the attention from our lover or husband, his little indication that I am special can make even the toughest day go easy.

Motherhood means long sleepless nights and often a lot of fatigue. But to me it also means a time for special bonding with my baby. There are times when, as I change him, he will suddenly grab my finger and give me a little coo and a smile, almost like sharing a little secret with me. It is like a promise that he is mine in a way that he can never belong to anyone else.

I love to watch him sleep just so that I can be next to him and never miss a moment of his precious life. And much like all of us remember the exact moment in time when we first met that special someone who changed our lives, I just have to close my eyes to see his yelling, startled face as he came into this world. He was swollen, covered in goop but he was beautiful in my eyes.

And as we do our special version of the waltz every night to the Mozart humming softly from the crib-mobile, I look forward to the day when he can take me dancing. It maybe his wedding day and the reigning queen of his heart maybe another lady, but he will know that I was the first woman who loved him unconditionally and truly forever.

Courting Controversy the Shashi Tharoor Way

Our man, the very dapper Mr. Shashi Tharoor certainly has a knack for courting controversy. When he is not calling economy class “cattle class” he manages to upset the high command of his own party by commenting on the policies of it erstwhile founding member-Nehru. And now the suspect connections between him and a Dubai based beautician, who seems to have gotten a $15 million stake in an IPL team, has put him right back in the eye of the storm.

Sure Mr. Tharoor is innocent till proven guilty and I even understand him when he calls economy class air travel what it is, but what he must realise is that he is not me or simply an acclaimed member of the elite intelligentsia any more. He is now a member of the ruling party and he must pay heed to the political correctness that his situation demands. Yes he is young, dynamic and his public school education has given him a distinct erudition and intellect, but he is now the leader of the common man and has to connect with him.

This common man neither knows of nor appreciates Twitter. This common man walks miles just for clean water and to him a journey in the economy class of any airliner would be a luxury beyond imagination let alone a trip in cattle class, and this common man cares if his elected leader even seems to be making millions through a thinly veiled sports franchise while he and his family wonder where their next meal is coming from.

So my suggestion to Mr. Tharoor is- do not be a politician but you definitely need to understand the sensitivities that your new role requires. Nothing you do is personal any more. Everything private about you is open for public discussion. Sorry man it comes with the territory. Tweet Tweet!

Letting HUL Own a Bunch of Villages Maybe Just the Solution We Need

One side of the paper carried an article on how over 65 million people lived under conditions where they were forced to survive on less than Rs 365 a month and the other side carried a story on how a global consumer goods giant was eyeing India as its main platform to meet its target of doubling its sales and acquiring a billion new customers worldwide. Certainly there is something wrong with the picture. How can a country with so many millions of people, forced to sell their subsidized food grains just to survive, be a source of customers who are able to pay for “luxury” items such as branded bathing soap and toothpaste? But then that is the grand paradox called India.

If we want we can look at this paradox and shake our head in despair, certain of the failure of both our Government and the ambitious MNCs to change the conditions. Or we could be innovative and see the opportunity. There are a hundred schemes that are currently being run by both state and Central Governments to improve the lot of people who live in these conditions. These schemes provide funds for everything from subsidized grain to affordable Life Insurance for the chief wage earner of the family. The intent is right and the schemes are needed. The failure occurs at the last mile- the level of execution and successful distribution and awareness.

If we recognize this, surely we can bring in experts who can help us solve this very problem- that of distribution and execution. And then we will see that the juxtaposition of the two stories in the newspaper is actually a happy coincidence because it shows us a whole new possibility of Public-Private partnership.

What I am proposing here is that Consumer goods giants such as Coca Cola, HUL, P&G, Godrej and others be give the opportunity to fulfill their ambitions. What if they were allowed to bid for groups of villages and given the responsibility of implementing the schemes that are being run by the Government? These companies certainly have the know how and the distribution reach to ensure that the schemes are implemented correctly. After all distribution and accountability of assets is their life blood. In exchange they could be given tax-credits and also the opportunity (for a limited time) to be the exclusive supplier of goods they would like to sell.

The “rural” and the “bottom of the pyramid” opportunity has been acknowledged by almost all of these companies and they have responded by taking out more affordable an suitable variants of their existing products (e.g. a vitamin boosted tea, shampoos in Re.1 sachets, smaller bottles of beverages). If the Government is able to put together an attractive enough incentive for these companies which is commercially viable, I am certain that we can make a sea change in the lot of rural India, implementation of aid schemes and see whole new era of public-private partnerships.

From Father With Love

The phrase has a whole new meaning in light of the controversy that is currently surrounding the holiest of the holy- the Papacy. The Vatican has responded with sufficient anger at the media reports that Pope Benedict helped cover up cases of paedophilia while heading the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith. And come to think of it- what else can they do at this point. This is not the first time such accusations have been made and most end up with nothing more than an apology.


But isn't it time that someone in the Church starting treating the disease rather than the symptom? Sexual abuse is only one part of the various unseemly aspects of the Catholic Church that one hears of. There is the case of the Magadelene laundries from Ireland and also the stories of thousands of children forced into convents by Sisters who felt they were at danger of moral corruption because they did not have stable family lives.



Every religion has its moral codes and so does the Catholic Church. Trying to question them all would be fruitless exercises. But when some practices have worldwide and serious consequences, that religion should be open enough to re-examine those doctrines. Accusations of abuse in the Catholic Church have only escalated over the years and the storm shows no signs of blowing over. Maybe it is time for people and for Governments to sit up and take notice. After all if France and Quebec can take the bold step of banning Burqas in public because they undermine the dignity of women in a free-thinking society, isn't the cause of millions of abused children worth it?

Equality Matrimonials- are you serious?!

As a married woman you may question my intention behind the close scrutiny I gave the matrimonial column in the Sunday edition of a leading English Daily. But when something has the intriguing title of “Equality Matrimonial” it is bound to attract attention. You immediately wonder if there are also some inequality matrimonials lurking around that you don’t know of!

So my curiosity got the better of me and I decided to give this new age matrimonial a read. It turned out that the newspaper felt that there is a population out there which feels that a “traditional” matrimonial doesn’t really spell out all the complex needs and expectations they have of a marriage and need a new specialized matrimonial version that lets them spell out in detail what they are looking for in a prospective life partner.

What I read both surprised and disappointed me. The two large “letters” written by “liberalized” women sounded like a badly written pre-nuptial agreement that ensures minimal emotional ties are formed and what they get in the name of marriage is an alliance of convenience. Agreeing to a marriage like the one these women seem to desire would entail keeping separate finances, parental responsibilities and even houses. Neither partner is under any “traditional” pressure to do anything more than they absolutely have to, will put their own careers first and acknowledge the presence of in-laws only if allowed complete freedom in every aspect of thier married lives.

Now I can see how a relationship like that may hold merit for someone – especially some women who have worked very hard to build their identities and have tasted the bitter impositions of traditional set-ups where they are instinctively expected to sacrifice everything for home and hearth. They are simply protecting what is theirs and which men so easily take for granted. So my grouse is not with the relationship nature. All I question here is why call it a marriage in the first place. If you have the guts to demand absolute “freedom” why not break free from the shackles of a traditional relationship type called marriage? Why not simply agree to be monogamous with a man till it works out for both sides, and give him a special place in your life and proudly show that some religious ceremony, a certificate is not needed to seal your “relationship”?

Maybe it is because even though these people (and I refer here to both men and women who have advertised in this section) have not been able to take the final step to breaking away from all conventional notions of what a lasting bond between a committed man and woman should be. They still want to be “married” though the alliance is nothing like what we know as marriage. They want that social sanction and protection of the law that is given to “married” couples and at the same time want the freedom of the single male or female.

At one level it may just be the perfect solution for the new generation (and I use the phrase at the risk f sounding far older than I am because I think the situation is grave enough to merit the risk) but at another, it is a death knell of a beautiful and much maligned social system.

A marriage is not any more unequal than any other relationship. Whether it is that of a parent-child, employer-employee, each relationship often requires one to give more at one time than the other. To assume that a traditional marriage will always mean that the woman giveth and the man avariciously taketh, is wrong. I know plenty of committed couples where the man has willingly taken on domestic responsibilities, shared the burden of his in-laws, because the woman has made him realize the importance and the benefit of it. To be a strong man or a woman who should be part of an equal relationship does not mean keeping everything separate. It means having the self-belief and the skill to form a loving relationship where respect and freedom is earned by both and freely given by both. It needs no pre-nup type agreement from an “equality matrimonial”. It needs the simple understanding of two human beings who know together is better than separate and are willing to work at it even if it sometime means sharing.

Three Girls and a Rahul- I will be watching, will you?

Let me begin by confessing that I am going to watch the Grand Finale of the circus called "Rahul Dulhaniya le Jayega- Swayamvar Season II" (Rahul will take the bride- Season II of choosing your spouse). I am going to watch it for many reasons- I want to know who Rahul will finally select and who he will reject and whether he will actually wed the girl LIVE! Last season Rakhi Sawant did not and that has simply created more curiosity.

But the fact that I am going to watch this show does not mean that it has not provoked me (and my guess is many others along with me) to think what this phenomenon is really about. Clearly inspired by the American shows Bachelor/Bachelorette, the show - Swaymavar- lays to public view the most private and intimate of human pursuits- search for a life partner. You have well educated, smart young men and women willingly risking public humiliation of rejection in the hope of marrying a person they barely know. They woo the "eligible" person, get filmed in intimate moments, knowing that only one of them will make it to the final and the rest will have to live with the tag of being the "reject" for the rest of their lives. So why do these people do it and equally importantly why do we watch them make fools of themselves in a show which we all know is a charade?

The men and women certainly do not do it for the bachelor or the bachelorette up for grabs. Take this season's groom- Rahul Mahajan. Very ordinary looking, and his only claim to fame being that he is the son of a slain politician and someone who has courted controversy after controversy while his father was alive and after and came close to death once in one such escapade. Throughout the show I saw nothing that revealed exceptional intelligence or character. He was clearly guided by the producers to give canned answers and responses at each juncture and in a "grilling" session where he was supposed to talk of his shady past, he simply glossed over the issues ending with a heart wrenching story about his father's funeral. So it is not the lure of a "catch" that is attracting these women.

The answers are perhaps far simpler than we think. Speaking for myself I watch the show because of its slick production value and because as always we love to watch others get embarrassed ( yes that is the reason we like watching people get knocked about in slapstick comedies). Mean spirited as it may sound, we watch to see who will get eliminated and humiliated and not so much to see who will win. And as for why the participants put themselves through this humiliation- can it be anything other than a hunger for their fifteen minutes of fame? All of them are young, good looking and obviously ambitious. This is their quick ticket to public exposure, which they can later parley into some gains depending on how savvy they are.

So at this intersection of unembarrassed public curiosity and unbridled human ambition the media has found a winning formula for a television show even though it flaunts all emotional logic and in the case of the Indian show even makes a mockery of the various wedding ceremonies by having the rituals performed for multiple brides and grooms at the same time. It certainly helps the production house's case that our Indian weddings so willingly lend themselves to glamour, pomp and show and it has to be said NDTV has done a darned good job of milking it all. So best of luck to them and more mindless TV watching to the likes of me. After all they make the show because we watch it!