What Having a Child Has Taught me (Lessons I Hope I Will not Forget)

To say that having a child is a life changing experience would be like stating the obvious. Akin to having “the sun rises in the East” as the headline of the day’s newspaper! But what I have also realized is that as new parents it is so easy to perceive those changes at just at superficial level and often ignore some of the deeper changes that truly last a lifetime. I mean the night shifts, the diaper struggles and the groggy mornings pass but there are other things that stay with us for a lifetime. Thoughts, behaviors that were not there before the arrival of your little one- or at least that is true for me. So here is my list of things that I believe my baby has taught me life lessons on and how my life has changed in small yet impactful ways.

First of all I have learnt to expect the unexpected. With babies, surprises (and frustrations) are part of the game. Just what you thought would be the easiest thing to handle turns out to be a nightmare and what was supposed to be the hard nut to crack falls so beautifully into place. So the life lesson in this is, let life come to you the way it is. However hard you try there will be things you cannot control, and you will be the happier for letting things play themselves out.

Another important lesson is to accept help when it is offered. The baby has been crying all night and maybe all day. All you can think of is catching a few zee zees, and lo behold your neighbour, or your mother-in-law offers to watch him for a bit. Accept it. You need it. Life lesson in this- as modern women we are supposed to be self-sufficient, taking help we think is like taking an obligation. When really what we are afraid of is accepting a favour because someday we might have to return it. But don’t be afraid of either- taking the favor or returning it in the future. Contrary to what we grew up learning we cannot do everything on our own.

Learn to laugh. Babies love it when you do. But the laughter I am talking of is learning to enjoy life’s little jokes, tricks and even the troubles. See how a baby will laugh at your struggle to open a jammed jar lid, or smile at you after wetting you in splashes of soapy bath water. They do not see distress; they see life and its little interesting twists. Life would be boring if everything ran like clockwork, right?

Patience is a virtue and a boon for both you and your baby. All mothers worry about when the baby will walk, talk, sit and squat. It happens eventually, a month early for some or a month late for the other. And once learnt this lesson should be carried to the rest of your life. How many times have we stressed about things that eventually took care of themselves?

Finally the most important lesson of all is perhaps the ability to love and feel the pain of another. I am sure it has happened to all new mothers. You see a baby, anyone’s baby, in distress and your maternal instincts start firing full throttle. It maybe momentary but you feel like taking care of a child who might be crying, hungry or just looking uncomfortable. I say keep this feeling. Learn to love and feel the pain of others so that you can be a better human being.

With all these lessons your child opens up a new door in your heart, it is up you to make sure it does not shut.

Breaking the Norm but Keeping the Stereotypes

Indian cinema is just about starting to explore subjects and storylines which were otherwise considered untellable because they "would not sell". The producers would hesitate because they knew that the cinema going audience was not ready to see the darker side of life or look at characters that didn't fit into their storybook idea of girl, boy, mother, father. But with the new age of multiplexes and a changed audience profile of the urban young, who can spend close to five hundred rupees on a movie "experience", movie makers are willing to experiment. So now you have movies which talk about live-in relationships, women exploring their sexuality, same-sex couples, failed parents and corporate corruption.

One such movie is "Break Ke Baad". The movie touches (yet again) the hot new topic in Indian cinema- the complexities of urban love with couples becoming less inclined to commit to marriage right away. The storylines are fairly simple, girl meets boy, boy is confused, girl is confused, they laugh , they fight, they separate, and finally in true hindi film style unite at an airport or a train station. So just when you think that you have a true break-through in cinema, you are brought back to the same old ending. In many ways just the same old wine, albeit in a swanky new bottle, complete with designer clothes, foreign locales and zippy wheels.

It seems our movie-makers have taken a leap by showing a woman willing to have just a live-in relationship, but are unable or unwilling to go all the way. They show her as a rebellious young gal but in the end they bring her back to the traditional fold by showing how "the truth ultimately dawns on her" and she agrees to the holy bond of matrimony that sanctifies her existence and conveniently fits her into the popular idea of what is acceptable. Not only that, many a times the directors use popular stereotypes to depict a so-called "liberated" woman. In "Break Ke Baad" , Deepika Padukone is depicted as someone from a broken home, calls her mother by her first name, smokes and has little respect for anyone in her life. All classic characterisations of a rebel who must then be tamed and brought into the patriarchal fold. The profile would have been far more interesting if she was a mature woman whose active choice of postponing marriage and putting career first was not just a whim but a well thought out decision.

So while bollywood is breaking the norm, it is unable to shed the stereotypes. Maybe in a few years we will see a leading lady with more than just marriage as her fate, and then she will be a more truthful representative of the mature Indian woman of today.

For a Few Thrills

The action taken by the Information and Broadcasting Ministry in India to shift shows like “Raakhi Ka Insaaf” and “Bigg Boss” to non-prime time slots is truly commendable. While I am not an anti-television person, I certainly draw the line at deliberately pushing adult and just plain crass content in front of a family audience to make a few bucks.

Taking a cue from shows like "Jerry Springer" in the US, "Raakhi ka Insaaf" deliberately creates emotionally charged situations, forcing rude confrontations on screen. People’s most private conflicts are laid bare for a thrill hungry audience to lap up. On the other hand the reality show "Bigg Boss" relies solely on the ability of a few over the top personalities to draw the TRPs. This season’s star attraction is an obese, self-centred woman called Dolly Bindra who would put a New York Harlem resident to shame with her viscious tongue.

This trend of reality shows that rely solely on cheap thrills to lure an audience is a recent phenomenon and truly a disturbing one. What started as a new genre with shows like the “Amazing Race” and “The Apprentice”, where people’s skills were tested and the thrill came from knowing that these were real people in a real competitive situation, has now become the equivalent of a peep show. We are shown people’s private fights and arguments solely for their own sake. While in a show like “The Apprentice”, the participants little asides, likes and dislikes of others were interesting, they were not the whole show. Neither were they the primary reason that the show existed. They were the social dynamic aspect of a skills show. But shows like “Bigg Boss” boast of cat-fights, arguments and collusions as the main reason for its existence.

I am no sociologist to comment on the reason behind this trend. But the fact that Amitabh Bachan chose not to host the current season of "Bigg Boss", and the producers had to rope in Salman Khan, shows that a senior more sophisticated person no longer wants to be associated with the production and it has chosen to go down a path where thrill is the only aim - irrespective of the methods used.

Life as a Bookshelf

I know it seems an odd choice but consider for a moment- doesn't a bookshelf in a person’s home tell you a lot about who they are? I say this because I have one in my bedroom and when I take a moment to look at it, I see in it a snapshot of the life that we have as a family.

To begin with there are the obvious things- photographs, the books my husband and I have read (or are planning to read). So you know the year each of us graduated, what our intellectual leanings are. But then there are the more subtle things. They are easy to miss but they will tell you a whole other tale.

In our case (no pun intended) my husband has put out a couple of “Employee of the Quarter Awards” that he received at his previous job. Initially I was confused about this display given that he never really liked working with that company, but then I realized that these awards were perhaps the pleasant aspects that he wanted to keep from the seven years he spent with them. As humans our emotions are far more complex than we are willing to let on. We may claim to like or dislike something absolutely, but that is rarely true. Love, hate, like, dislike are rarely that simple or black and white.

What you will also see in some bookcases are little knick-knacks. Souvenirs of the travels people have made. They will be displayed casually, atop a pile of books, or tucked carelessly on the side. Take a closer look at these and you will get a peek into what kind of vacations people take. The souvenirs they bring back will tell a lot. A beer drinker will bring back a small keg from Germany while a history buff like me will bring back a replica of some church I saw.

Even the more obvious items have a deeper revelation. You can tell a lot by the pictures and the books people choose to show. It is not surprising then that the largest photograph in my bookshelf is that of my husband with his mother because that is dearest relationship to him. And both of us have our Graduation pictures displayed prominently. As professionals our education is our biggest asset and that comes through in the pictures we have put out.

Generally speaking, what you see in a bookcase is a deliberate choice that someone has made. It is a part of their identity that they have pieced together. It is done hoping that what we put out tells the world “This is what I do and this is what I like”. But just like you should not judge a book by its cover alone, don’t judge a person by the more obvious things you see in a bookshelf. Look for what it is not showing. That is where the true story will be revealed and you never know what surprises you may find.

Lost your job? No worries!

The appointment of the ousted HP chief by rival Oracle raises some fundamental questions about the state of business today. Not only does it reek of sheer opportunism on the part of Oracle, it also sends a message that American businesses have become far too tolerant of dishonesty in the high ranks. The latter should not be surprising given what the powers that be at Lehman and AIG did for their investors and consequently to the world economy. It is all right to manipulate rules as long as you are delivering short-term profit and create a perception of value for the shortsighted share traders (note, not Shareholders).

At another level It also raises a disturbing suspicion that there just might be a growing shortage of qualified senior personnel in America. If Oracle was to pass on Michael Hurd, how many other suitable candidates does it really have? So if you are a senior executive with fifteen years of relevant experience, you can be pretty sure that you will be in demand and therefore enjoy a certain amount of freedom in your behavior while in the office.

All this only stresses the need for Americans to shape up and prepare more young talent to take over corporations and uphold people to a higher standard of ethics.

A Mother's Prayer

As a new mother the well being of my son is the most important thing to me. Not to say that once he grows up I will be any less concerned for him, but it can be generally agreed that a new born needs more love and attention than a child of any other age.

By now he and I have established something resembling a routine around the everyday tasks of bathing, cleaning, feeding and sleeping. I can even somewhat read his various yelps and feet banging. However there are times when I am still unable to read him. Those are, needless to say, the most difficult and agonising moments, especially when accompanied by crying. And every time that happens I am shaken by his helplessness and dependency on me. I am forced to think- what of those helpless children who are ignored, abandoned and who have no one to listen to their cries? That is why I would like to send up this most humble prayer to God for all the children in the World.

"Dear God let no child go to bed hungry. Give each of your children a warm, clean bed. Let there be peace where they sleep so that they may smile with the happiness of sweet dreams and when they awake let there be a concerned ear to listen to their cries, a warm hug to soothe them and a loving heart to guard them."

People we Meet Along the way

Having my baby has been a transforming experience in more ways than one. Of course there is the whole being a mom thing and how for the rest of my life now I will always be a parent before playing any other role but there have been a few humbling realizations along the way and I sure hope that I will not forget these lessons.

The biggest has been that when someone said no man is an Island they were bang on. The journey to having my little boy was an unusually tough and arduous one. I was lucky to have an incredible family support system that saw me through this but I also met some strangers along the way who made the everyday things easy by just being the way they were. There was the lady who my mom found to give me a leg massage as I was confined to my bed forced to lie flat for nearly two months in a hospital room and the girl who came from the local lady’s salon to give me a manicure and a pedicure so that I still managed to look human through the months. It was not so much what they did but how they did it. The massage lady realized that my mother and I needed her as much for the company as for the massage. So she became our daily dose of gossip and chatting. The girl from the salon gave me the manicure while I lay down flat! I can’t imagine that it was easy for her but she did. Similarly for the nurse who gave me my daily shots. She took that extra bit of care to make sure that even if it hurt she had a soothing hand and a word.

I haven’t met any of them since my boy arrived and really don’t know if I will, but their association will stay with me forever. It has taught me that in our lives even the shortest encounter can have a lasting impact on our lives. And while we may consider ourselves all modern and self sufficient, a one-man army rarely wins the battles in life. We all need that helping hand even if it is brief and that of a stranger.