The Things we Don't Think About

We recently moved to Columbus, Indiana, USA. I have lived in the country before but my son has not. So my apprehensions were more around him and not so much around how I would adjust to a new place. I was worried about him getting used to the cold, the food, the accent, the car seat and the loneliness. But as it turns out all those are manageable and he has taken to his new surroundings quite well. It’s the things I didn't think about that are turning out to be a challenge. 

Over the weekend we met some great Indian families who live around here. One of the couples has a lovely daughter called Ananya. The mother introduced her to all of us in Hindi and the child said "Namaste" in a very slightly accented Hindi- all very unusual and obviously a result of a lot of hard work on the part of the parents. I was taken aback for a moment and had to remind myself to reply politely and in Hindi. On the one hand I was super impressed at the mother but on the other hand it filled me with puzzlement. I had no action plan worked out to keep my son bilingual! The boy stopped using Hindi back in Mumbai itself and given our tendency to speak English at home, it seems quite an impossible goal. Besides I have never really put that down on my list of things to do. I was left wondering if that made me a "bad" immigrant and a "bad Indian". Should I not be worrying about how my child will absorb the culture I grew up in and how he will stay connected to his roots?

Its Monday morning, and I am still confused. Not so much about how to achieve the goal of an “Indian” child but whether that is important to me. I moved here because I knew it was the best thing for my husband’s career and the kind of education Kabir can get here would be very hard to come by in India. I never really thought how that would impact his sense of culture, language and a sense of belonging. Frankly I felt, until the weekend that is, he would grow up like kids around him and as long as we gave him the right values, he should be fine. And maybe that still holds true and he will be just fine. But meeting Ananya has made me think that very often there are things that we just don’t think about when making the big decisions in life. The everyday practicalities have a way of working themselves out, but some big questions take time to unfold. So I guess I will just wait and watch in the absence of any clear answer from my heart and hope that I can ultimately see the light on what is right by him.

The Thank Yous That Need to be Said

Today I want to say thanks for two very important gifts. They came disguised as simple incidents, but they have shown me that life is never straight forward and everything plays out only when its the right time.

I just got back  from a three week trip to my parents' house, and my son's joy at being back home took me by complete surprise. I don't know if I understood until now just how much he missed his familiar surroundings and his paternal family while he was away with me. But the great thing is he never made me feel it. Somehow he seems to have understood that this trip was very important for me and he happily spent the time away from home playing and making new relationships. So thank you my sweet darling for being so patient with your mother and for making this trip so easy on me.

My father is a man of few words and has never been very good at explaining why he needs something done. When questioned, he simply uses his paternal authority to over rule any doubts and closes the argument by saying that even if he tried to explain, we were incapable of grasping the finer intricacies of the financial and legal aspects of family businesses. So when he asked me give him signed copies of some documents, he was quite shocked at my response. Not only did I  know exactly why he wanted them, but even had a suggestion about how to make things more efficient. After explaining things to my father I had to ask myself- so why am I familiar with these things and maybe not some of the other ladies in my family? The difference is the environment of my husband's home. Here I have been exposed to financial, legal and other such matters that perhaps I would not have been exposed to in another family. By making me a part of financial decisions, by making me shoulder the responsibility of managing money, bank accounts etc.( many times despite my unwillingness) my husband and his family has empowered me.They have made my life easier by making it tougher. So thank you dear family for these very important skills.

This Tiger Roars Only to Scare

Just a short note to say that it is baffling that the death of a leader should bring the commercial capital of one of the world's fastest growing economies to a standstill. Isn't it a bit of an anomaly that a man who was considered a man of the masses should halt the livelihood and throw into chaos the every day lives of millions of people.

Also when you read of his life the phrase that is being used most often is "the most influential man in Maharashtra politics" No one is really singing paeans to the good works that he did or how he brought about social change and upliftment.

In life and in death the tiger of Maharashtra remains a political leader of the masses. He will be remembered for his power to rally the masses but not necessarily for his ability to put that power to good use.

Knowledge is key to Healthy Nation

I am not a doctor and I am certainly not qualified to know what are all the technical issues with our healthcare system, but every so often I see the effect of medical ignorance at the most basic level.

 I am a firm believer that as a privileged woman - one who has access to clean water, sufficient nutrition, ample social support and great medical facilities- it is my duty to help as many women as I can live a life that is at least marginally better than what they would otherwise live. So if any of my domestic workers come to me with a health related issue, I try my best to not just solve the problem but also encourage them to understand the need for taking care of themselves in general. But with each incidence I realize that the healthcare system in our country is insufficient not only because of the lack of facilities, but because an ignorant population puts an undue burden on it.

Take the case of my grandmother-in-laws night nurse. She is not even thirty, had a baby when she was nineteen and now works for almost fifteen hours of the day. She looks like she is at least 5-7 years older than what she really is and has knees and elbows that sound like ageing doors. To top it all her menstrual cycle has been malfunctioning for almost five years now but the advice she has got from family is that since it runs in the family she is better off just letting it be! And I can bet my right arm that she is not alone. Without hesitation I can say that about 90% of the women in this country have absolutely no understanding of how their reproductive system works and the whole process of the "cycle" is shrouded in so many myths that any related ailment goes untreated in the name of fate. As a result most women go for treatment only when there is an emergency. What could have perhaps been corrected with a small pill is left untreated till it will require a full blown surgery and hospitalization.Therefore I feel when it comes to healthcare the problem is wider than a medical problem. My grouse here is with the social and the education system. If the girls in our country are imparted some basic knowledge as teenagers about the subject and society stopped treating the whole issue as taboo, most problems would get treated at inception and thereby save so many lives and put less strain on an already burdened system. Women like my domestic worker do not know about ovaries, hormones or what menopause means. So they are unable to understand what is going on with them. And the problem is not limited to women specific health issues. what's more this is the case with other critical medical issues such as child nutrition, need for hygiene or how alcohol and tobacco effect the human biology. If only we gave as much importance to teaching our children about their bodies as we give to making them cram the periodic table!

Prevention is better than cure and knowledge is essential for prevention. Therefore as a nation we must strive to teach our children and our adults the basics of health and wellness so that many ailments can be prevented and we are able to make optimal use of our over burdened health care system.

Great Expectations

They looked so happy together. Like only a father and son can, and I stopped to watch them. I had been standing there for a couple of minutes when it struck me that I had never seen this dad  downstairs in the play area before. The boy is well known to me but I had seen the dad only occasionally that too when he came to say bye at school car pool time. He certainly looked like a good dad- all cheerful and attentive. So did the fact that he hardly came downstairs to play with his son make him a lesser dad in anyway? My instinctive answer was "no!". But then another question flashed instantly- so why did I feel disappointed when my  husband hardly came down to join my son and me at play time? What dawned on me at that time was that very often what we are so willing to understand in others' behaviour we are very unwilling to overlook in those who are closest to us. We hold them to different standards. Isn't that a little unfair?

All in all what a little rumination on this incident taught me was that while it is not wrong to want something from those you love, be willing to cut them some slack. Sometimes it will help if you look at those closest to you with the eyes of a stranger. You might be surprised at how you feel towards the things they do. Don't burden them everyday with the weight of  the things you want from them because great expectations make for greater disappointments.

It can Only be Called "Google Car"

We took a drive around Columbus Indiana today. Nothing extraordinary about that you would say. But what if I told you that we did this sitting right here on our beds in an apartment in a suburb of Mumbai? And when I say drive I mean we saw what the driver was seeing real-time, including the rain drops on the wind screen, the signals changing at the traffic stops and the people wheeling their trolleys in the parking lot of the Walmart. And whats more we did it using the most basic of internet and data connections and an I-Pad here in India and an I-Phone 5 in Indiana.

It was amazing. It truly felt like all of us were right there. My husband who is right now in Columbus showed us all around town- his hotel, the office building, the town hall, where he does his groceries. And when the phone was in the moving car, the feeling was like being in a 3-D movie with superb graphics.

To think of it, till less than fifty years ago speaking with someone in the US meant almost a years' wait and then too just a "hello hello" over a bad connection. And now at anytime all I have to do is gently touch that little "Facetime" button on my I-Pad and my son and I can connect with my husband and even check out what he has in his fridge! (that by the way is my son's favourite thing to do)

Hard to say what will become possible in the next fifty years. But for now I am just glad and thankful for all this technology that is keeping us so close and so connected. Thanks everyone at Apple and also my apologies. Because even though it was your devices that made this possible, I still can't think of a better name for this than "Google Car!".

The Long Wait Begins

Its dark outside and even the birds are not stirring yet, but thousands of women across the country are up preparing for a long day of fasting, longing and waiting. Its Karva Chauth. Its the day that married women of some Indian communities must abstain from food and water between sunrise and moon-rise. They must brave acidity, hunger pangs and I am sure some serious questioning internally as to the logic of this ritual, to show how much they love their husbands, and pray for their long life now and the opportunity to be married to them for at least the next seven lives.

Indian cinema and television has long cashed in this festival. spinning tales of romantic husbands secretly fasting with their wives or swinging the other way and portraying the dutiful wife ignored by the husband who couldn't care less whether she starved for him. And why not? The whole waiting for the moon and the ritual of the husband breaking your fast lends itself so well to our idea of cinema.

So ladies around the country and around the world, a Very Happy Karva Chauth. May the moon rise early tonight. And may, in true Bollywood fashion, your handsome beau feed you with his own hands to break your fast before your hunger breaks your resolve to love him despite everything.